Past me led a “typically successful” life.

I had a healthy romantic relationship, great friendships, a good career, material possessions and was secure enough financial. I had was the typical representation of "successful" - a uni degree - good job and a house!

 

However, once I got to around 28, I started to feel like something was missing, I kept thinking… is this all? I felt I was just plotting along doing the same thing day in and day out. I would get to the weekends and want to celebrate but I was tired, exhausted and just wanted to Netflix and chill.

I couldn't stop thinking - "Is this the rest of my life until I retire?"

Is there more, or should I just be happy with what I have?!?

 

I was/am a deeply ambitious, highly creative, energetic people person, and I got to use all these skills in my work, but I still felt like a part of me was missing. This manifested for me as symptoms of chronic pain. I would get such severe back pain that I would be immobilised for days at a time. But I just kept pushing through. “I will be fine”, I told myself. “It will pass”, but it kept coming back. I would be at my desk working while crying in pain, I did not listen to what my body was trying to tell me. I was destined for more, but I was too scared to even entertain the thought of change or something beyond the “normal”.

 

In 2016 I unexpectedly lost my dad, 6 months later I herniated a disc in my back, again I kept telling myself that it was because I wasn’t exercising enough, my posture wasn’t good, I wasn’t looking after myself at all. But the truth was that I was emotionally destroyed, filled with anger and rage and my body was screaming at me to stop!

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I decided not to listen and thought that having kids would heal that part of myself that was screaming for more. I had my daughter in 2018 and fell madly, deeply in love with her! This soothed the pain for a while, until I went back to work and started the day-to-day grind again, and started asking myself the same thing... "is this what I am living for? Working while my kid is in care?"

 

As I didn’t listen to the chronic pain the universe got louder. I birthed my second child in 2020 in the middle of a pandemic, I was stuck at home with a 2 year old and a newborn during lockdowns and all the craziness, and during this time I decided to take on house renovations (you know, to help fill that void - insert face palm). 

 

Well the renovations went to shit, our roof leaked for months and cost a lot more than we had planned and I completely and utterly lost my mind. I broke, it was the lowest I ever got, I knew things had to change.

 

I decided that a new career would fix that (again - insert face palm here). I looked high and low for something that would give me freedom, choice, time with my kids and fulfilment. I then accidentally found kinesiology and thought I would give that a go. I honestly went into it thinking I could just learn the modality and use it to build a business. How wrong I was!

 

It flipped my life. Completely for the better. But I had to start to look at parts of myself that I had never seen before or was unwilling to see before, I was called out on my BULLSHIT!

 

I decided to no longer hide from all my “baggage”. I learnt that suppression was my main way of coping with my life and that was how I managed to be so high functioning… I had just shoved everything that was hard to the back of my psyche. So I opened the proverbial can of worms!

 

I spent the next 2 years learning a modality that essentially unravelled me. I let go of conditioning around what my life should look like and how I should live it. I stopped telling myself that I should be happy and actually started to understand what my heart and body were trying to tell me. To live authentically, to see the parts of myself that I didn’t like and love them, to be true to myself, to understand that two things can be true at once. To understand that I cannot control everything. I learnt to loosen the reins and actually live in the here and now, to appreciate the abundance that was around me all along!

 

I learnt to be a leader, to work with others going through the same identity crisis as I have and help them see the whole of themselves, own that, love it and actually embody it.

 

I have seen too many healers who come from a completely spiritual perspective without grounding down into this reality, in the here and now. I have spent the last 3 years learning a spiritual perspective and then incorporating that into my life - my busy life with a career, marriage and 2 kids - it is possible and the results are so worth it.

 

For me, it started with emotions and beliefs, but the deeper I got, the more I understood the mind body connection and working with the body as a whole and how much energetics shape our existence, my chronic pain is now background noise, not a screaming freight train.

 

I have created  momentous change in my life - I’m still a work in progress!! I am still working with my inner critic, I am still learning forgiveness and compassion for self… it is an ever unfolding journey! But one that has brought so much joy, connection, intimacy and abundance into my life.

 

If you want this too, if you want to find the "whole" of you, join me.... it all starts with getting curious!